“ When you get quiet inside, the right words come a little easier.” — Maya Angelou
Writing of the Month
BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR
You hear people say, “Be careful what you ask for...” and I always thought that meant a man, who will then trap you with his imperfections or a job that turns sour when you are faced with the daily grind, a house that drains all your money. Something tangible that doesn’t live up to its promise.
But when I came to Lookout Valley ranch what I wished for was to feel something, anything. To break through my cocoon of indifference and self protection. Now its time to leave this place and I feel something alright. And it hurts.
Everything changes and you don’t ever get change without loss and loss hurts. That’s my Einsteinian logic. “Mom, that’s deep,” my daughter Julia exclaims when I tell her my revelation and she makes me repeat it so she can remember it to pass on to her friends.
It is a simple equation but the reality of it is unbearably hard.
It hurts to see the sun hit the mountain first thing in the morning. It hurts to have my neighbor Otis tell me, “I’m telling you, you did a good job with this meal” when I serve him and Johanna spaghetti made with Classico sundried tomato and roasted garlic sauce from a bottle. It hurts when I watch my two heeler dogs sitting sentry on the lawn with my black and white cat hunkered down between them. The vast night sky hurts, the wind flattening the dead grass hurts, every time I sail up the road at sunset, taking the curves like a race horse, every time a herd of deer scatter as I pass... it hurts.
It’s the ache of unrequited love, the sorrow of a child leaving home, the pain of a friend dying. And there’s nothing I can do about it but feel it. And it hurts.
I wrote that 26 years ago as I prepared to leave my ranch in the Wet Mountains and move back to Boulder. My heart was aching with the loss of a place I had come to love so deeply. Now I am preparing to leave Boulder again and move to California. I have left and returned to Boulder so many times since I came as a college student in 1965. I am now 78 years old. I know in my bones this is the last time I will leave Boulder. And my heart is aching with the truth of it.
I have been a student here and a hippie, I married and raised two children, I became a Buddhist, I got divorced, I have lived in a rambling family home and a small ranch house with horses. Now, I live alone in a trailer park. As I drive through town, even with all the changes, there are memories that pop up as I pass places that have been part of my life for years... Ideal Market, Lucille’s, the Shambhala Center, Coot Lake. My heart feels tender and wide open. The past is gone. I have no idea what my life will be like in my new home.
When I left the ranch, I carried my porch rocking chair with me. It is still with me, older now, and creakier but so am I. I wouldn’t dream of moving without her. Stephen Levine once said he believed the meaning of life is to have our heart broken again and again. All I can say is Amen to that! E Ma Ho!
Learn more about A Tree with My Name on It: Finding a Way Home
Poetry Books Available for Purchase
Who Knew? 23 Poems on Aging
Who Knew? is a new collection of twenty three poems celebrating the joys and sorrows of aging. Through unflinching and loving attention, Victress Hitchcock shares her journey of discovery through the sometimes hilarious, often heartbreaking, always surprising world of getting older.
“This little book of poetry is an intimate and insightful exploration of aging.”
- Frank Ostaseski author of The Five Invitations: Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully
“What fun, sharp, a little outrageous but undeniably true and just liberating poetry!!”
- Johanna Demetrakas, director of Feminists What Were They Thinking
Available for purchase on Amazon
Whoosh Stripped Bare
“In the spirit of Mary Oliver, whose poems helped me forget my day-to-day problems and connect with the magic of existence, Victress Hitchcock’s new poetry book brings me pure joy, like chocolate for my soul.” – From the foreword by Anam Thubten author of No Self, No Problem and Choosing Compassion.
“Vivid, moving, and wise, this collection of poems offers an abundance of delights and surprises.”
- Olivia Ames Hoblitzelle, author of Aging with Wisdom: Reflections, Stories & Teachings
“A heartful, fluid appreciation of life in and as radiant glimpses.”
- Reed Bye, retired Chair of Writing and Poetics at Naropa
Available for purchase on Amazon
Hello Honey: Eighteen Poems from the Path
A joyful collection of poems and images that celebrates fifty years of being on the Buddhist path.
“As if harkening to us through the title itself, “Hello Honey”, author Victress Hitchcock lovingly invites us into a sweet and intimate tapestry of reflections, poetry, and images.” — Elizabeth Mattis Namgyel, author of The Logic of Faith
“The poems trigger an awareness and longing that is truly precious.”
- Lama Tsultrim Allione author of Wisdom Rising: Journey into the Mandala of the Empowered Feminine
Hello Honey is now available at Blurb Bookstore.